No one likes being ghosted. But what if you're not actually being ghosted? What if the other person is genuinely just…busy? But someone being busy and feeling ghosted can often feel like the same thing when dating in a culture that expects instant responses.
没有人喜欢被放鸽子。但如果实际上你并没有被放鸽子呢？如果对方只是真的……很忙呢？但在一个期望即时回应的文化中，约会时，对方很忙和感觉被放鸽子常常感觉是一样的。
As Monica Berg, relationship expert and author of "Rethink Love," explains: "For many of us, especially those with anxious attachment patterns that were formed in early childhood, a pause in connection can feel like abandonment — not because it's the reality of the situation, but because it reminds us of old feelings and stories."
正如关系专家、《重新思考爱》一书的作者莫妮卡·伯格解释的那样：“对我们许多人来说，特别是那些在幼儿时期形成焦虑型依恋模式的人来说，一段关系中的暂停会让人感觉像被抛弃——不是因为情况的现实就是这样，而是因为它让我们想起旧日的情感和故事。”
【重点词汇】
anxious attachment patterns:
- 词义: 焦虑型依恋模式，指一种依恋风格，特点是对亲密关系缺乏安全感，容易感到焦虑和不安。
- 用法: 名词短语，通常用于心理学和人际关系研究领域。
- 例句: Her anxious attachment patterns stemmed from a troubled childhood.
When we're in the early stages of love, we're flooded with cortisol, dopamine and all the chemical chaos that makes infatuation feel urgent and obsessive (the feeling of "butterflies," for example). Layer in those unresolved attachment stories from childhood, and suddenly we're reliving them in real time.
当我们处于爱情的早期阶段时，我们会充斥着皮质醇、多巴胺以及所有使迷恋感觉紧急和痴迷的化学混乱（例如，“蝴蝶”的感觉）。再加上那些来自童年的未解决的依恋故事，我们突然又在实时地重温它们。
【重点词汇】
infatuation:
- 词义: 迷恋；热恋；短暂的爱情。强调的是一种强烈而短暂的迷恋，往往缺乏理性思考。
- 用法: 名词 (n.)，通常指初期浪漫关系中的强烈情感。近义词有 'crush', 'passion'。
- 例句: His infatuation with her was short-lived.
"If we believe we're 'not enough' or that 'everyone abandons me,' then even a delayed text can feel like confirmation of those beliefs," Berg said.
伯格说：“如果我们相信自己‘不够好’，或者‘每个人都会抛弃我’，那么即使是一条延误的短信也会让人感觉是对这些信念的确认。”
How Instant Text Gratification Messes With Your Head
即时文本满足感如何扰乱你的大脑
While dating apps can often feel like "The Hunger Games," and no one wants to waste time or emotional investment on a swipe, this obsession with immediate responses from someone who is essentially a stranger can create unrealistic expectations for many single people.
虽然约会应用程序常常让人感觉像《饥饿游戏》，没有人想浪费时间或情感投资在一次滑动上，但这种对来自基本上是陌生人的即时回应的痴迷，会为许多单身人士制造不切实际的期望。
Still, the absence of a ping on your phone can trigger a defensive response: "He can't be that busy. He must not be into me," or "I don't want someone too busy to text me."
尽管如此，手机上没有提示音也会引发防御性反应：“他不可能这么忙。他一定不喜欢我。”或者“我不想找一个太忙而不会发短信给我的人。”
"The constant accessibility of modern communication — texts, DMs, voice notes, read receipts — creates the illusion that we should always be available," Berg said. "Especially in new relationships, this immediacy can feel intoxicating at first: They messaged again! They're thinking of me! But very quickly, it can become anxiety-inducing and even addictive," she explains.
伯格说：“现代通讯的持续可及性——短信、私信、语音留言、已读回执——让人产生一种错觉，认为我们应该随时可用。”“尤其是在新的关系中，这种即时性起初会让人感到陶醉：他们又发信息了！他们在想着我！但很快，它就会让人焦虑，甚至上瘾，”她解释道。
Receiving texts and notifications triggers a dopamine hit — the neurotransmitter responsible for pleasure and infatuation. Pairing the constant contact with the consistent dopamine can make "us feel a false sense of intimacy, when real trust and intimacy evolves over time," Berg said.
收到短信和通知会触发多巴胺的释放——这是负责快乐和迷恋的神经递质。将持续的联系与持续的多巴胺联系起来，会让我们“产生一种虚假的亲密感，而真正的信任和亲密感则随着时间的推移而发展，”伯格说。
"Instead, we can find ourselves diving headfirst into emotional enmeshment," Berg adds. "Boundaries — both energetic and emotional — become blurred, and we're starting off in codependency, fantasy and expectation."
伯格补充道：“相反，我们会发现自己一头扎进了情感纠缠中。”“界限——无论是精力上的还是情感上的——都变得模糊，我们开始陷入依赖、幻想和期望之中。”
Building on this, psychotherapist Israa Nasir explains how the dopamine feedback loop in texting and dating apps specifically keeps us focused on external rewards ― likes, replies, matches ― rather than turning inward to consider if we truly like the person.
在此基础上，心理治疗师伊斯拉·纳西尔解释了短信和约会应用程序中的多巴胺反馈回路是如何特别地让我们专注于外部奖励——点赞、回复、匹配——而不是转向内省，考虑我们是否真的喜欢这个人。
"When we rely on external validation (like someone texting back, matching with us, or complimenting us) we're outsourcing our sense of self-worth to others," she explains. "These moments of approval trigger dopamine spikes, reinforcing the idea that we are only 'OK' when someone else chooses us."
她解释说：“当我们依赖外部肯定（例如有人回短信，与我们匹配，或称赞我们）时，我们就把我们的自我价值感外包给了别人。”“这些获得认可的时刻会触发多巴胺激增，强化了这样一个观念：只有当别人选择我们时，我们才‘好’。”
Nasir also points out that dating apps are deliberately "gamified," designed like slot machines to maximize user engagement, not necessarily emotional well-being. "This behavioral design wires us for compulsive checking and distorted thinking patterns, making it harder to form secure, healthy connections."
纳西尔还指出，约会应用程序故意被“游戏化”，设计得像老虎机一样，以最大限度地提高用户参与度，而不一定是情感健康。“这种行为设计使我们习惯于强迫性检查和扭曲的思维模式，从而难以建立安全、健康的关系。”
Making Peace With The Lack Of 'Ping'
与缺乏“提示音”和平相处
So what should you do if you feel panicked or dysregulated when you don't hear back from a romantic interest within a certain timeframe?
那么，如果你在一定时间内没有收到浪漫对象的回复而感到恐慌或失调，你应该怎么做呢？
Berg recommends seeing the trigger as an invitation to grow. "When that familiar panic sets in, the first thing to do is pause. Breathe. Call it out. You might even say out loud, 'Here is my old story. I feel it, but I know it's not real.' From here, you can now challenge the story instead of letting it run the show. I often say that we don't have control over our first thought, but we do have control over our second."
伯格建议将触发因素视为成长的邀请。“当那种熟悉的恐慌袭来时，首先要做的是暂停。深呼吸。把它说出来。你甚至可以大声说出来：‘这是我的旧故事。我感觉到了，但我知道它不是真的。’从这里开始，你可以挑战这个故事，而不是让它主导一切。我常说，我们无法控制自己的第一个想法，但我们可以控制第二个想法。”
Berg admits that challenging these habitual, negative thought patterns is a skill that is required in any phase of a relationship but especially in these early moments. "It can also help us to remember that love, real love, isn't built in instant replies — it's built in trust, in patience, in spiritual growth."
伯格承认，挑战这些习惯性的消极思维模式是一项技能，在任何关系阶段都需要，但在这些早期阶段尤其重要。“它也可以帮助我们记住，爱，真正的爱，不是建立在即时回复上的——它是建立在信任、耐心和精神成长上的。”
"If you're unsure, it's OK to check in with a grounded message. If there's no response after that, it's information, not necessarily personal failure."
“如果你不确定，可以发送一条稳重的信息来确认一下。如果之后没有回复，那就是信息，不一定是个人失败。”
As Berg puts it: "The goal of a relationship is not constant contact or infinite good feelings — it's real connection, which can only occur slowly over time."
正如伯格所说：“一段关系的目标不是持续的联系或无限美好的感觉——而是真正的联系，而这只能随着时间的推移慢慢形成。”
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核心词汇表
ghost /ɡost/ (verb) - 放鸽子；突然消失
attachment /'taetmnt/ (noun) - 依恋；依附
infatuation /nfaeu'en/ (noun) - 迷恋；热恋
dopamine /'dopmin/ (noun) - 多巴胺
codependency /kod'pndnsi/ (noun) - 相互依赖；共生依赖